February 2012
12 posts
2 tags
I'm spending my day off watching grisly traffic...
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cawkward (adj.)
A guy who’s awkward in bed. Alternatively spelled cockward.
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I'm on the turnpike and I just saw a billboard...
That’s impossible. You literally always have someone with(in) you when you’re pregnant.
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Skipping the Grammy's to watch the Walking Dead...
lol who am I kidding I wouldn’t watch the Grammy’s anyway
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Ugh I have too many secrets to keep
My hair should be bigger.
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That awkward moment when someone asks you how you...
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A year and a week ago I was unemployed
and now I’m up for a promotion and my interview is tomorrow. I keep practicing answers to possible questions by talking out loud to myself and my roommate probably thinks I’m crazy. But anyway, wish me luck! Or else I’ll kill myself!
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Awkward questions I ask during first dates, part...
So how gay ARE you?
Do you believe in God?
What drugs have you done?
Do you read?
So you believe in ghosts?
It actually went pretty well.
January 2012
15 posts
2 tags
"So, basically, he was murdered?!"
- Female carnie at the fair on the phone as she’s blowing bubbles in a child’s face from some handheld bubble blower
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It's so nice to be reminded that there are always...
I was answering phones today at work and got a call from this girl who needed directions to the store. (As soon as she started talking I could tell she probably failed FCAT a few times, but I’m there to help, not judge.) While she didn’t know how to get to the store (despite having a smartphone), she knew that she had to take a major interstate to get there. So far, so good. I told her...
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i know you tried so hard, but you can’t even win...
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An elderly asian lady just stopped me in the pasta...
I must have looked like one of the most experienced Italian cuisine masters to her.
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“Your change is pi.”
– Things I say to customers part 46
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Talking with crush at a party
Him: I didn’t think Bridesmaids was funny at all.
Me: (SPIT TAKE)
Him: Yeah, I walked out of it in the theatre.
Me: Lol bye.
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Have I transcended race
when I can’t tell white people apart?
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I don't wanna be that guy...
But I just called the towing company for some random douchebag’s Ford F-150 parked in my parking spot.
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62 JIGGAMITES LATER
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December 2011
21 posts
1 tag
Sometimes I want to kill everybody who doesn't...
Biting my tongue is getting really tiresome.
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“Aw, you’re so sweet, always whipping it out for me!”
– Publix cashier after I handed her my ID while buying beer. I laughed, and so did the bag boy. She didn’t get it.
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“Happy Boxing Day!!!”
– What I said to every one of my customers today. I got a lot of confused looks and/or questions.
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Christmas chats
Sister: I didn't get you anything for Christmas.
Me: Same!
[we high five]
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Knife Party - Internet Friends
My warning to all...
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Chats at work
Couple buying an iPad: This is so exciting! It’s like bringing home a new baby! Hahahaha!
Me: Yeah, but way better.
Couple: (They laugh)
Me:
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The other day
this 70-something-year-old customer came in, a regular that I know by name. As he starts to tell me whatever problem he had with whatever device, a piece of corn or some other food he was eating earlier fell out of his mouth and hung on his bottom lip, not unlike Lindsay Lohan desperately clinging on to her relevancy. I almost dry-heaved at the sight of it and quickly ushered him in the direction...
1 tag
A cashier said I looked "about twelve" last night...
Ouch.
“Don’t drink when you’re young! Because then you’ll have...”
– A (probably drunk) customer
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I kind of want to get some tattoos
sheerly for the reason that they look so cool. I feel like a teenager for saying this but whenever I see someone with a visible tattoo, no matter what it is, I’m like, oh, that person is cool, because they have a tattoo, and yeah, they’re going to get old and they’ll still have those tats in like 40 years, but that’s what’s so cool about them, because they don’t...
November 2011
15 posts
1 tag
